Dress like you know who you are

How to plan your new season wardrobe around the woman you want to be

So today I’m bringing you part two in my series of style seminars. As I explained last week, I’m deliberately starting here because so many women tell me they feel they’ve lost visibility in midlife and they’re unhappy about it. And yet we’re just coming into the years where we’ll be the fullest version of ourselves - so how do we dress like we know who we are?

I want you to imagine that you’re in a department store lift and another woman steps in. Being British of course (as most of you are here) you’ll both face forward but subconsciously, with a top to toe glance, you’ll have ‘read’ each other before the doors even slide shut.

That’s just the way we’re wired of course because long before humans had language, we had to gauge instantly whether the person walking towards us was friend or foe. That ancient part of our brains still thrives inside us now even though the judgements we make are supposedly more civilised.

Psychologists who study first impressions say we form an opinion of a stranger within the first few seconds of seeing them, before they’ve said anything at all. So from a getting dressed perspective, if people are going to draw conclusions about you as soon as they see you, it makes sense to define yourself sartorially so that your outward appearance aligns with the woman you are inside. Along with posture and grooming (and I know that sounds Victorian but there aren’t any better words) your wardrobe is the strongest way to do that.

I’ve been thinking about this because autumn stock is landing thick and fast now and in the heady rush of newness, it’s tempting to start buying piecemeal - a new jumper here, a pair of boots there. By December you find your wardrobe is fuller than ever but there’s nothing in there that feels as if it could properly ‘announce’ who you are. So before I buy anything for a new season I always work out what it is that I want my style to say about me. And I’m deliberately using images of other women’s style here today because I don’t want to cloud you with the things I wear.

Start with three words, not a shopping list

So how do I go about pinning down the inner me? Not with a shopping list but with three words.

(And if you’re a blog reader you’ll have done this first part with me before but it’s still worth going through it again. As I said last week, we evolve as we grow older and more confident).

Choose three adjectives that you’d really like people to use when they describe the woman you are today. Don’t do yourself down - imagine a friend telling you that she’d heard somebody describing you as ‘x, y and z’. What would absolutely thrill you and make you feel properly ‘seen’?

Say the words out loud and see how they feel. I know you’ll cringe because it isn’t very British but it’s good to aim high because even if we don’t achieve that dream version of ourselves, a look that’s been thought through will always have more impact than a comfy old pair of leggings.

Why three words? One is too limiting and ten is too vague; three forces you to choose and be specific about how you want to feel inside. If ‘elegant’ makes the shortlist but ‘cosy’ doesn’t, that tells you something. If ‘creative’ beats ‘polished’ it gives you direction. You’re describing the woman that you can feel simmering away - the one who could burst out if only you gave her some wings.

If you’re stuck, here are some words to try out (you can pick a family from the same line, contrasting words from different fields, or choose your own):

• Warm . approachable . kind . nurturing . gentle . open

• Elegant . refined . graceful . poised . timeless . understated

• Creative . artistic . original . expressive . unexpected . playful . witty

• Confident . striking . bold . magnetic . commanding . self-assured

• Relaxed . effortless . natural . grounded . comfortable . calm

• Sharp . modern . cool . minimal . considered . directional . clever

• Feminine . romantic . soft . pretty . delicate . nostalgic . whimsical

• Capable . practical . reliable . organised . no-nonsense . professional

• Sleek . sexy . alluring . enigmatic . charismatic . desirable. sassy . intriguing

• Sporty . athletic . defined . architectural . unfussy . streamlined

Don’t overthink it; your instinct will probably work faster than your brain. You may find yourself with a shortlist of six or more words that you have to keep whittling down. If two words are fighting, it highlights that you have style tension which can either be great or problematic.

I find I need two sets of adjectives because of my lifestyle. I have one set of three for my more rural life at home which has the practical restrictions of daily dog walks that are wet and muddy. My other is for when we’re in Newcastle or anywhere else when I feel I become my true self sartorially (good job I love that dog!).

Picture her, right down to her shoes

Now close your eyes and picture your woman - she might be you or you might find it easier to picture her as someone else at this stage. I picture my woman as somebody else, a far more perfect version of me and I give her her own name too. In fact back in the 90s my best friend and I perfected our alter egos so well that we sometimes used to slip into character if we were out and approached by men we didn’t want to talk to… but that’s another story.

It’s a technique that Beyoncé used when she was up and coming. She created a stage persona called Sasha Fierce - a bolder, more aggressive version of herself who she could step into before she performed. She described the real her as shy and quiet and Sasha as the one who could do the choreography, the outfits, the sexuality on stage without feeling self-conscious.

So if you find you’re talking yourself down when you’re doing this exercise, try an alter ego and when you’ve dressed her, you can start getting to know her until you finally become one.

Now don’t skip this next part

I want to give you tools that will work when you’re trying to get away from your ‘comfort-self’ or perhaps your former-self in order to turn into a newer version of you for this next stage of your life. I know you might feel in a rush to choose your three adjectives and then skip past this next part but it’s important because it does a lot of the groundwork.

So, you have your adjectives describing your woman and her attitude. Now, go into the detail of what she’s wearing. Start with colour because colour is often the first thing to draw the eye. Does she live in soft neutrals or does she prefer colour and if she does, are they brights or pastels? Or is she a monochrome woman, black and ivory or navy and white? You just need to find the palette that works for the woman in your head. As you can imagine, mine is all about warm and very bright colours paired with neutrals like denim to tone them down.

Now fabrics. Is she drawn to soft things… flannel, cashmere and jersey… or does she like structure, crisp cotton and strong tailoring? Does she wear pattern and if she does, is it a big painterly print or a fine stripe; leopard worn as a neutral or a floral? And her lines: are they fluid and draped or tailored and defined? Soft or sharp tells you a lot.

Then, how does she move and what’s on her feet? A woman in a heeled boot moves differently from a woman in a bouncy trainer. I find that if my feet are uncomfortable I’ll hate whatever I have on, so however strong my three adjectives are, my outfits have to work from the feet up.

Fashion can be problematic when it comes to footwear because it often dictates the wrong shoe theory - a soft romantic outfit finished off with a clumpy sole for example but you can ignore that if you want to. Your feet finish everything off so make sure they work with the rest of your outfit.

Turn the picture into a plan

Before you buy anything new, go through what you already have with your woman in mind. I find that I can see things I’ve been holding onto for random reasons so much more clearly with her in mind. It helps me to let go of things that belonged to the woman I no longer am. The career wardrobe that worked for me pre-lockdown when I had lots of meetings that now take place on Zoom… the dresses I bought for awards ceremonies that don’t exist any more. Knowing and being happy with the woman I’m becoming enables me to say goodbye to those past versions of me with thanks and a smile.

Then shop only for the gaps. If your words are elegant, warm and creative, and you find you have lots of the elegant and the warm in your wardrobe but nothing with any spark to it, there’s your shopping list. Maybe an outstanding coat or a chunky necklace. You’ll know what’s right - pick things up and ask one question: would X wear this? If the answer’s no, back it goes.

Why this matters more as we get older

I’ve found getting dressed in midlife harder because my menopausal body keeps changing. My waist isn’t as defined as it was, my bust is a bit bigger and my thighs have more muscle because of the work I’ve been doing at the gym. And my lifestyle’s changed - I used to be so happy when I could leave for work in a well cut trouser suit each day but that doesn’t make sense any more.

I have times when it’s a bit overwhelming because I no longer feel like the woman I was but I have to embrace the fact that I’m not her. I keep talking about the fact that we evolve and I mean it - we’re moving into a new phase of life. And most of us are becoming our fullest selves.

Clothes shouldn’t be used to hide because they announce who you are as soon as you walk through a door. For me that’s more powerful with age because I actually know the woman I’ve become.

I used to hide from the camera because I wasn’t comfortable with what I wore or who I was…

Now I don’t - because I dress and feel like me.

Generally the women who catch my eye aren’t the most expensively dressed. A bag or sunglasses with a logo tell me that she isn’t quite sure what she stands for yet (or that like me, she bought the darned bag when she was younger and less wise but she’s determined to get her money’s worth out of it!). The women I like to watch are the ones who appear to be in complete harmony with themselves. Their coherence comes from clarity - and clarity is free.

So choose your three words, picture your woman, then go and explore her, one item at a time. A woman who uses her clothes to display her personality is the one who makes people think. And a thought-provoking woman is never invisible.

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